First of all, lets get some shit straight! Leggings are not pants! I don’t know who start the trend of women wearing these things with all of their gingerbread hanging out, but it does not work for everyone and it should not be done regularly. Cover something up! Also, if you’re so big that the writing on your bottom is impossible to read, take that shit off and go back to your closet!

Now, I just want to send out an extra special prayer for the child pictured above. According to reader Briana, this woman attended her high school reunion dressed like this — looking a hot pussied, mix-matched, Smurfette of the ghetto mess! I don’t know how to approach your cousins these days!

As my twin sister Fresh says, come get your cousins! Come get their asses now! I want them evicted from their homes and their social networking accounts shut the fuck down! Don’t ask me any questions! Just blame Aboniye for filling my inbox with this tragedy!

So, R. Kelly and that girl from BET who slept with LisaRaye’s husband were shaking ass and shit in Chicago this past weekend, and at some point this happened. I don’t know how this mystery woman managed to get her Stanley Steemer so close to Robert’s nostrils, but frankly I’m disgusted. Not because she’s making the singer sniff her fish box — I’m sick at that horrible ass outfit she’s displaying. Pay attention, ladies! This is something you don’t wear to the club, unless you’re giving sucky in the bathroom to keep your lights on.

Fuckery experienced at Necole Bitchie!

Remember Claire from My Wife & Kids — well she’s not a kid anymore. Apparently she’s a vampire bat.

According to legal papers filed last week in L.A. County Superior Court, Watson claims things got bad on August 1st … when Jennifer received a suspicious text message at 11PM and Earl decided to check her phone.

Watson — who played with the Indiana Pacers last season — claims his wife was furious that he took the phone and reacted by hitting him “forcefully twice in the face with her right open hand.”

Watson claims Jennifer then “grabbed my right wrist and bit … breaking the skin, leaving teeth marks and drawing blood.” Once she let go of the wrist, Watson claims she then chomped down on his chest … again drawing blood.

Earl claims Jennifer then tried to attack him with an iron — but he was able to knock it out of her hand. [TMZ]

Big Earl has since reconciled with his crazy ass wife and decided to withdraw the divorce petition.

First of all, what is going on with this biting shit in fights these days? Sooner or later someone is gonna blame True Blood, and if the feds take my show off the air, someone is getting that ass kicked for real!

Now, I don’t want people to ignore this situation just because it was a woman attacking her man, because if he would have body-slammed her ass and yelled “YOU GOT SERVED”, everybody would be pissed.

Today’s lesson: Don’t go through people’s phones.

photo courtesy of KodakBoi at KiddUNot.com

Now, personally I don’t get drunk in the clubs and I don’t give a frog’s fat ass if you’ve heard differently! I’m posting this in hopes that it can assist some other drunken monkey from showing out in the clubhouse! I’m not judging anyone…so don’t judge me.

1. Memory Loss — Too much alcohol can and will make your entire night one huge blur — like the stretch marks on Kat Stacks vagina! It is possible that you may not remember how you got home, where your draws are, and/or the stories of you dancing on a bar in all white with your legs lifted up and your bussy-popping performance to Nicki Minaj records…but we’re not talking about me!

2. Sexual Vulnerability — Being drunk in public leaves you totally vulnerable to the “lil’ freaks” who are looking to take advantage of the tipsy. Hopefully, if you do get too loose in public, you will have friends around to look after you. However, it is still possible that you will feel several unidentified people squeeze your booty buttcheeks, and then you receive text messages the next morning from folks you don’t remember giving your number to…not me though.

3. The Damn Internet — The tweets are watching. Everyone has a camera of some sort and will be more than eager to post your flowing juices on the web. You don’t wanna make the blogs looking like this on Sunday morning…glad it’s not me.

You know, I expected that a brief trip to the flea market during my lunch break would bring me some mouth-watering fuckery, but this shit hit me like a club to Tiger Woods’ cerebellum. Obama Beauty Supply is catering to all the local divas and queens! If you need some premium Korean extensions to stunt on those foot dragging bitches at the county fair, or an extra special wig when you need to lip-sync for your life, it will be here.

Bitch, hell no! Is this what we do when black people earn positions of power? We create hood rat spots with their name on the doorstep? Michelle, would never be caught dead in one of those bristle helmets; we won’t even start on that big ass green fro!

I can’t take this. Excuse me while I go work on my new venture: Oprah Winfrey’s Pig Feet Palace.

My brothers and sisters, between this treacherous new job of mine, the heartbreaking events in Haiti, and the passing of Teddy Pendergrass, there was not much for me to smile about yesterday…until MC General L. Platty dropped the hottest new single to rock the nursing home — Pants on the Ground! He is delivering gallons of hot fuckery and baskets of joy right on time!

Hey, don’t let the D-Boy outfit and the Jersey Shore dance moves fool you! There is a message in this hit record: You’re looking like a fool with your pants on the ground! What is taking so long for Lil’ Wayne to sign this man to Young Money? Drake could never!

I only pray that Andre 3000 jumps on a remix!

My people, how much longer are you going to keep this up? If I see another baby with a fresh lacefront or some buy-one-get-a-pack-free weave in there head, I’m gonna email Obama. These children should look like children — dressed in OshKosh and shit…not fancied up like they’re going to the club where ladies drink free all night!

Shout out to Tamikha for bringing this tragedy to light.

Push your breasts up!

Until Da Brat gets home, you lovely gals have Young Melo to munch your carpets. Introduce yourselves! She is here to bring sexy back — and that’s a fact! Honestly, I was a little worried about her respiratory condition when I watched this. Homegirl sounded like she was craving a honey baked ham and a shot of oxygen. Anyway, I’m proud to say I made it through 57 entire seconds of this video and you can thank Domishauntel for sending it in.

The King of Iron Fist performed at Power 105′s Powerhouse concert yesterday and the people are saying he put on a great show. There was most likely a lot of floor-grinding, moon-walking, and Kung Fu taking place during his set. Either way, the kiddies ate that shit up — I guess nobody cares about his Wolverine knuckles anymore. That boy’s good!

Am I wrong for kind of wanting those shoes? I wonder if his “best friend” Omarion bought them for him.

Keri Hilson hit the stage looking lovely as usual, even though my cousin said she has a nose like Squidward Tentacles, but that hoe is never gonna make it to heaven.

Que’en and the Day26 girls escaped from the cardboard box to perform, as well. I still think Willie is blowing Que’s back out behind dumpsters, but that’s me.

An appearance from Koala Yummy. I’m sure Milian was backstage popping prenatal vitamins.

Trey Songz also showed out. How exciting, right?

There were other performers there, but they won’t be getting shine on this damn post. Maybe next time.

I’m trying to build a resistance against petty violence, what with people beating each other to death these days. On the other hand, this video was begging to be posted. These two creaky hens were going at it over a seat on the damn bus! The Asian woman yelled some broken curse words, the Black woman made a feeble swing, and before you know it Mama Fa was hitting her with a Kung-Pow grip!

Pathetic, but still funny.

I might as well get it out of the way and out of my system. The Internet is giving Lil Mama the business after he dragged his uninvited testicles onstage during Jay-Z’s performance of “Empire State of Mind” during last night’s VMAs. This is the same butch queen that was telling another transgendered women to act like a lady.

Shade Moss is doing the most these days and I’m not a fan of his antics at all. He’s lucky Solange and Matthew didn’t snatch him up by the roots and toss that ass out into the streets like a javelin. My Lord.

Update: Lil Mama Apologizes! Twitter Continues to Pick On Her.

Boy, you can let yourself out and take that tired ass excuse with you!

In case you missed it, Kanye got back to his regular antics on tonight’s VMAs after Taylor Swift won her first Moonman. Apparently, Queen Omari felt that Beyoncé deserved the award and decided to bumrush the stage, snatch the mic, and tell the world before Taylor even got to thank anyone.

I wish someone would get this cunt a leash and a muzzle. He’s like a spoiled brat who’s always acting up and embarrassing the family at Red Lobster. Just because you make great music, doesn’t mean you can trample over the precious moments of innocent young white girls!

In the end, Beyoncé (who ended up winning Video of the Year, anyway) asked Taylor Swift to finish her acceptance speech and the entire auditorium booed every time someone said Kanye. What a mess.

Update: Kanye Apologizes!

So, some child who goes by the name SpokenReasons was blocked on Twitter by Necole Bitchie for God knows what. He, in turn, decided to make this monkey-fool-banana-rum-shrimp-cocktail ass video on Youtube dedicated to her. Clearly, the Internet is giving people far too much freedom.

This is what happens when you have too much leisure time. Idle hands are a tool of the devil and this shit has inspired me to go do something productive. I think I’m going to go build a spaceship or something. Bye.

I did it. For the first time ever, I watched The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and I blame all of you, my mama, and the neighborhood Avon lady for hyping this shit up and driving me to it. The season premiere was last night and I had a little “pachama” party with my Twitter followers to celebrate. You might be wondering what I thought of it all, so I’ve decided to give a review of my thoughts on each housewife (term used loosely since only two of them hoes are married).

Kandi — The brownest of the bunch and ex-bandmate of EBT’s precious Smoked Sausage, wasn’t giving me much. She was pretty much just singing cliché R&B songs and flaunting her plaques from the 90s with Dallas Austin’s high ass. The real star in her case was her daughter, Riley, who was not happy about her being engaged to a man with six kids. I feel her on that. Who wants some other pie-faced bastards hogging all the damn Chuck-E-Cheese tokens? Not me.

Lisa — Another bore. If it wasn’t for her husband’s big booty and the fact that I was told she’s Keith Sweat’s ex-wife, I wouldn’t even remember her. I’d like to know what she did for Keith to get full custody of their kids, though. Ah well, at least she’s pretty.

Kim — If this white lady does not look like menopause Barbie, I don’t know who does. I swear I saw her wig cough and scratch itself three times. Anyway, she seems like a hunk of burning mess. The bitch was visiting a psychic who looks like Paula Deen’s in-law and trying to start a line of wigs. Enough said.

NeNe — So far, my favorite. She’s big, loud, and has the soul of a gay man. Plus, the way her breasts dramatically dip in opposite directions…ugh, so fucking graceful. She’s the one I could take shopping on South Beach and then to Opa-Locka for wings and ass-shaking, and she would be cool all the way through.

Sheree — This man-faced diva got a “Bitch Boom” from me when she was claiming to be happy in her new home and divorced from some character named Bob. I could tell she really wanted to watch “Waiting To Exhale” and cry over some leftover hogmog. Then, she came back in the end when she and a very zesty-testy party planner read each other down over a phone call or something. Way to get that camera time, child.

Then there was the heart, skin, and soul of the entire show.

YAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Dwight gave me all of my life with his sexual innuendo, use of the word “dreadful”, and pussy cunty freak dance in the theater. I am packing my bags for a trip to the ATL and hoping that we may have tea. That is all.

This gargoyle goblin girl has fucked up for the last time. I officially give up on her and let the record show that she has no hope and no love in this part of the apartment complex. Thank you and good night.

The break room at Marshalls is buzzing with this latest piece of gossip. Apparently, Lil’ Kim and Faith Evans had at it during The 2009 White Party a few days ago.

I am fans of their music, but these two lily pad ass bitches need to go sit down somewhere. There’s nothing more annoying than grown folks acting like middle school pre-teens fighting over dick and/or status in the cafeteria. Personally, I think that after all these years, they should be able to get past their differences and just leave each other the hell alone.